I know all about women and shoes. I didn't realize, though, that women also have problems with earrings until Sept. 13.
That was my wife's birthday. To celebrate the occasion, she took her gift cards to Herberger's and bought eight sets of earrings.
Many women have told me that my wife's behavior was not odd. The average woman, they say, has 50 or 60 earrings.
Now that I'm sitting next to two women at work, I hear a lot more about earrings. Kay Nguyen, who sits to my left, talked about a powerful woman who "wears statement jewelry all the time."
I asked my wife if her new acquisitions were statement earrings.
"I bought them because I like them. I didn't care what kind of a statement I was making," she said.
I had no clue that my wife likes earrings. She says they're "cool."
Women like accessories, she explained. "You can express different parts of your personality, or your mood, by what you're wearing."
Once again, I was flabbergasted. I had no idea that women, while going about their daily business, were expressing themselves. I also didn't know there were different parts to my wife's personality. I'm kind of busy with my own life.
I've also learned that women have strong opinions about fashion. Seeing a picture of a congresswoman speaking on the House floor, Kay said, "Why is she wearing those hideous hoop earrings?"
Carrie Cole, who sits to my right, said the hoop earrings looked more appropriate to go "clubbing."
I talked to several women this week who have 100 or more sets of earrings. Gretchen Mayer owns "close to 100." But of all those earrings, she wears four.
Brenda Dreyer has 200 pairs. Stacy Braun estimates that she has 300. Many have a seasonal theme. She figures that she has 50 pairs of Christmas earrings.
How many sets of earrings does Greg Guenin's wife have?
"How many grains of sand are there on Wylie Beach?" he asked.
Why do women like earrings?
"It's like getting a haircut with less commitment," my daughter says.
One woman said they're "an accessory you can't outgrow." Another said earrings "make you look like a lady."
Ornaments hanging from your ears "add just a little bit of pizzazz to your outfit," says Marcia Sebert-Lewis.
Most men don't appreciate the effort.
"Earrings are a waste of time," says Dan Richardt. After he helps his wife choose an outfit, she has to buy earrings to go with it. "And then there's another hour in the store."
Guenin likes taking his wife fishing when she's wearing earrings.
"If the fish aren't biting, they make real good tackle."
In talking to women this week, I have learned about chandelier earrings and about "danglers."
But I have discovered that the pinnacle of lobe enhancements is the diamond earring. Many women take diamond earrings as a sign their husband truly loves them.
If you buy diamond earrings from a nice jewelry store, you can upgrade them each year for a minimal cost. A co-worker said her husband's generosity has made Christmas boring because for seven years in a row she knows what she's getting.
Apparently, the easiest place in the world to buy earrings is at Claire's Boutique. I hear you can buy a six-pack there, or 10 for $10.
Hillary Beyer likes big earrings. Why? "Because I can pull them off."
But she denies that she's trying to say something. "I think they just say I like big earrings," she says.
Some earrings you wear just for fun, she says. If you want to have a good time, "That's when you bust out your chandelier earrings and your fancy dress."
Why does my wife like hoop earrings?
"Mom was a wild child of the disco era," our daughter says. "It makes her remember her early 20s, when she was unencumbered and fun and fabulous."
Sebert-Lewis is lucky. She says her husband "likes to buy me earrings."
Apparently some husbands understand their wives and their need to express themselves.
Jeff Bahr is an American News reporter. His email address is jbahr@aberdeennews.com. His phone number is 605-622-2320.