I don't pretend to be a connoisseur of fine dining. My food tastes are gauche and middle class.
I'm not afraid to say I love hot dish, fish sticks and grilled cheese sandwiches.
My idea of tasty beef is the meatballs you find in a can of spaghetti.
I break all the rules. If you want to enjoy red wine with fish, I won't object.
I don't need gelatto, sorbet or frozen custard. Just make sure my ice cream is made by Cass-Clay.
Don't bother me with tortes, eclairs or biscotti. I'm thrilled to have a doughnut.
I don't care about a good consomme. A can of Campbell's soup is fine. Especially if it's Campbell's Chunky. The New England Clam Chowder is to die for.
A complex blend of flavors doesn't appeal to me. Just serve me meat loaf, hash browns and pumpkin pie.
Pretentious people would say I'm hopeless and pedestrian, that I lack a discriminating palate.
I don't care. I'm just a lunch pail guy. Especially if the lunch includes a bag of chips and a Hostess fruit pie.
Don't take me to a restaurant with a sous chef, a sommelier and a maitre d'. All I need is a good buffet.
My favorite culinary master is Chef Boyardee.
I can also adapt to what's put in front of me. Anything is good as long as it comes with a side of nacho cheese.
As long as I have a can opener, I'll be fine. I am deliriously happy with Dinty Moore served on - horrors! - white bread.
I have a strong interest in fast food. One day, I read the history of the Thickburger on the side of a Hardee's bag. I found it fascinating.
I have no interest in Belgian waffles topped with strawberries and whipped cream. Just give me pancakes and Hungry Jack syrup.
If my wife ever drags me to Paris, don't look for us in the sidewalk cafes and bistros along the great boulevards.
I'll be scouring the City of Light for a Perkins, where I can have a Granny's Country Omelette.
Jeff Bahr is an American News reporter. His email address is jbahr@aberdeennews.com. His phone number is 605-622-2320.
